Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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