Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
