Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
