More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
