Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
