seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
