Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
