This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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