Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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