How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize