There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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