dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
