You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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