I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
