She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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