just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
