Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
