Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
