Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
