Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
