Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
