I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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