I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
