If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
