your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
