too bad you live with your parents still
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
