I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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