Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
