The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
