I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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