my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
