Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
