I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
