I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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