How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
