shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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