So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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