I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
