Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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