Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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