i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
