I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
