he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
