Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
