my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
