Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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