I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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