i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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