Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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