I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
