i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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