He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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