sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
