I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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