I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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