im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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