there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
