When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
