Cold hands, warm shart.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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