I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Less talking, more tequila
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
