Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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