sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize