I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
